Truth Be Told Transcript
Please note this is taken from the recording script, and needs minor editing to match the published episode NARRATOR Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root! SCENE 1. EXT. GATES OF AMARANTHYNE. FROM PREVIOUS EP SOUND: Keanu is GALLOPING full speed. GUARDS are in pursuit. GILBERT Keanu, stop! There's no way we can survive that fall! KEANU Okay! FAENDYR No- Keanu, full speed ahead. KEANU Okay! CAMILLA We'll be killed, you idiot! FAENDYR Not if I have anything to do with it. CAMILLA Oh no, no, no, no. FAENDYR Do you trust me? GILBERT & COlin & Keanu Yes. CAMILLA No! BIANKA I'm reserving judgement. KEANU Hold on to your butts, my dudes! SOUND: Keanu LEAPS. WIND Whistles BEGIN NEW AUDIO COMPANIONS (scream) COLIN Yaaaaayyyy! BARD And they were all dashed on the rocks at the bottom of the cliff! Just kidding. Can you imagine? "They all died. The End. Thanks for listening!" Ah right. You want to know how it ends. So this is what really happened SCENE 2. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE (RIPPLING BROOK). SOUND: Idyllic nature sounds for a moment (same ambient as Episodes 1-2), then: SOUND: PORTAL. COMPANIONS (screaming) COLIN Yaaaaayyyy! SOUND: Keanu comes through the portal with the Companions. They land with a thud, tumbling over each other. COMPANIONS Ow / Oofff / etc. COLIN That was fun! Can we do it again? GILBERT You did it, Faendyr! You actually cast a portal! FAENDYR Wait... it worked? KEVIN *excited squeak* GILBERT Is everyone okay? KEANU Uhhhhh. Lemme check... (horrified) Oh my god! GILBERT What's wrong?! KEANU Nevermind, I forgot I have four legs. I'm cool. CAMILLA Bianka, are you alright? BIANKA Yeah. I'm pretty hard to hurt. I'm very dense. Physically, that is. FAENDYR I legit thought we were going to die. I can't believe that actually worked. CAMILLA You thought we were WHAT?! KEANU That's so cool! COLIN It was probably Keanu! KEANU Yeah, totally. Wait, what did I do? COLIN Unicorn magic, Keanu! You probably enhanced Faendyr's magical powers and let him cast the portal! KEANU Oh yeah! Totally! Probably. GILBERT Where are we? FAENDYR Honestly, I have no idea. CAMILLA You have no idea?! FAENDYR I was more concerned about actually casting the portal than where it was going, okay? CAMILLA What if you had dropped us in the middle of the Glass Sea or dashed us onto the treacherous peaks of the Thundering Mountain?! FAENDYR I didn't though. So. You're welcome. GILBERT Hold on. This place seems familiar... HEAD VILLAGER (from far away:) Hail and well met, travelers from the skies! Welcome to Ripping Brook... CAMILLA Oh gods. COLIN Ooooh! I know where we are! HEAD VILLAGER What may we-- Oh. Oh no. FAENDYR The feeling is mutual, trust me. HEAD VILLAGER We just ''finished burying the orcs... GILBERT It's been two months. HEAD VILLAGER Well, we had the artisanal cheese festival to prepare for and that had to take priority. FAENDYR Oh my gods. COLIN Ooooh! The cheese festival was my favorite! BIANKA What is it with humans and cheese? FAENDYR Yeah I don‘t get it. CAMILLA Never speak ill of cheese. GILBERT Cheese is the best thing ever. COLIN Silence, infidels! HEAD VILLAGER What is wrong with you?? HEAD VILLAGER Then during the festival these three travelers came through. They caused so much trouble! The dwarf kept hitting on all of the plants, the elf swindled a bunch of villagers out of their coin - and the human just kept rushing into things. It took us weeks to fix all the damage they caused. I assumed they were friends of yours. FAENDYR We don't really do "friends." HEAD VILLAGER And ''then! Lord Peerless came looking for the Princess Camilla and he was... very put out when he learned we let you leave with Olfga and her boys. CAMILLA You didn't "let" me leave, you handed me over to them, you traitor. BIANKA Oooh. So that's how you ended up in Jade Reach. GILBERT More or less. BIANKA I figured you couldn't have gotten there on your own. No offence. HEAD VILLAGER Yes, about that unfortunate incident-- KEANU Hi, I'm a unicorn. HEAD VILLAGER Uh, yes, I see that. Hello. I'm sorry, your majesty, but we have to let Lord Peerless know you're here. CAMILLA Very well. OTHERS Wait, what? CAMILLA Send your raven. Let him know I'm here. HEAD VILLAGER We... don't have carrier ravens. CAMILLA I am shocked. (she's not) HEAD VILLAGER We send him our messages via our monthly cheese deliveries. We inscribe them on our cheese rinds. CAMILLA Of course you do. Well, better hop to it then. It will only take, what?, two days to reach his estate? HEAD VILLAGER Three, most likely. Our cows move very slowly. CAMILLA We'll be on our way tomorrow, so they'd better hurry. Take us to your inn, we require a place to spend the night. HEAD VILLAGER We're a very small and inconsequential village. No one ever comes through here, well except for you all, evidently. That is to say, we don't have an inn. CAMILLA Sir Peerless will be very upset to hear you forced his betrothed to sleep out of doors. In the elements. At the mercy of marauding orc mercenaries. HEAD VILLAGER No, um, I'll- I'll let you sleep in my house. And before you say anything, I'll sleep outside. CAMILLA Perfect. MUSIC: TRANSITION SCENE 3. INT. HEAD VILLAGERS' HOUSE. SOUND: The door opens. The Companions walk in, expect for Keanu. CAMILLA Well. This is depressing. No wonder that man is so miserable. GILBERT I don't know. Reminds me of my parents' home. FAENDYR That is so sad. BIANKA Hey Stretch? Your privilege is showing. FAENDYR It's not privilege, it's good taste. KEANU (from outside) Hey guys, what about me? GILBERT Can you fit through the door? KEANU I'm not a big fan of the indoors since that vampire, like, tried to eat me. FAENDYR In that case, see you in the morning, sleep tight. SOUND: DOOR CLOSES. KEANU (voice muffled by the door) Um yeah okay. COLIN Make yourself comfortable, everyone. I'll get the cheese! KEANU (muffled) Hey bud, can I have some too? SOUND: Colin runs and opens a cupboard. Maybe the sound of him running back and forth and getting dishes and wheels of cheese. CAMILLA Colin? You seem very familiar with this home. COLIN This was my family's house! EVERYONE (wtf) BIANKA Are you sure? COLIN Right here is the crawlspace my siblings would lock me in. See? SOUND: small door opening COLIN This space and I spent a lot of time together. CAMILLA Your siblings locked you in a cupboard?! GILBERT You're an only child, huh? COLIN And they pulled my hair and called me all sorts of cruel names! Even the babies. KEANU (muffled) That's horrible, little dude. COLIN It's alright! That's how I learned to talk to rodents! And my whole family are long dead and rotted, so who has the last laugh now, hm? KEVIN *squeaking in agreement* EVERYONE ELSE (yikes) KEANU (muffled) Hey guys? ... Guys? I'm lonely. COLIN Here! SOUND: Window opens COLIN You can stick your head in through this window! KEANU Oh! Niiiiiice! (now inside) 'Sup, my dudes? BIANKA Wait... so if you learned to talk to mice while you were locked in the cupboard, does that mean you talking to animals isn't ''magic then? GILBERT I'm around horses all the time and I can't speak their language. COLIN Have you tried, though? GILBERT Well, no. CAMILLA Speaking of magic. Faendyr, I believe you have some things to explain. FAENDYR (nervous) Ha ha... yeah. GILBERT What did the Empress mean by crimes against the Imperium? FAENDYR Let me explain... No... let me sum up. Well, actually, it'd be better if I-- CAMILLA The short version, please. FAENDYR Basically? I'm... COLIN It's okay, you can tell us! You'll feel better when you do. FAENDYR I'm... a fraud. No, Colin, I feel worse. CAMILLA I knew it! I ''knew ''you had no idea what you were doing! COLIN Do you need a hug? FAENDYR No, I'm--- COLIN Hug! FAENDYR Thanks Colin. COLIN You're welcome. FAENDYR I'm not a ''total ''liar. I just... never actually graduated. CAMILLA Oh my gods. BIANKA What's the big deal? I never completed school. COLIN And I still don't know what a schools is! CAMILLA Faendyr was hired by my father to be his official Master of the Arcane Arts. It is an incredibly prestigious position. Anyone who claims that title must have spent at least a quarter of a century of study at The Mage's College. GILBERT How many years did you complete? FAENDYR Ummm... GILBERT Twenty? FAENDYR Nooo... GILBERT Ten?? FAENDYR Less? GILBERT Oh my gods, five?! FAENDYR One, actually. KEANU Niiiiiiiice! You only need one year?! CAMILLA My father trusted you! GILBERT What happened? FAENDYR I fully intended to graduate, I really did! But... then I kind of burnt down a wing of the College? Accidentally. KEANU I understand. An "accident". FAENDYR No, it ''was ''an accident. KEANU (wink) Of course. Sure. FAENDYR One of my responsibilities as a first year student was ironing the professors' robes. I thought ironing would be a lot easier if I used steam instead. You know, putting my enterprising mind to good use. CAMILLA Uh huh. FAENDYR And I ''may have accidentally cast a fireball when I meant to cast a simple candle spell and... set the robes on fire? GILBERT They are very flammable. FAENDYR They really are. And then the rest of the room caught on fire... KEANU Oohh mannnn! FAENDYR And then the whole dorm wing. And well, so on. So, I, uh... just kind of expelled myself? BIANKA You fled the scene? FAENDYR ... Yes. GILBERT So that's your crime? FAENDYR Um... no. You know my grimoire? ... My magic book, Gil. GILBERT I knew what you meant. (he didn't) FAENDYR Here, Camilla, you read Elvish. SOUND: He slides the book across the table. Camilla opens it. CAMILLA "Textbook for Magic 101... Property of the Library at The Mages' College." This is a textbook? FAENDYR A library rental, specifically. CAMILLA So, you ran away from home with a stolen library book and showed up at my father's court calling yourself an arcane specialist with decades of training. FAENDYR Centuries, actually. Go big or go home, right? BIANKA You're not helping yourself, bud. FAENDYR And I didn't go straight to Kirkland. I did spend a couple years claiming to be an Elvish prince who'd fallen on hard times. BIANKA Oh man. FAENDYR Which isn't entirely a lie! And in terms of the court mage thing, Alfred didn't ask for any references. I mean, that's just basic hiring practices right there, so this is kind of his fault if you think about it. CAMILLA This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. FAENDYR Really? You were there when your father started an international incident over some chickens. GILBERT Can we not bring the Chicken Affair into this? FAENDYR Are you going to tell your dad? CAMILLA I haven't decided yet. FAENDYR I did save our lives. CAMILLA From a situation that you created! FAENDYR That's fair. GILBERT Alright Bianka. Your turn. Who do you work for? BIANKA They're called the Keepers. FAENDYR Wait... I've heard of them. BIANKA Really? How? FAENDYR Honestly, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. GILBERT The Keepers? BIANKA They are obsessed with secrecy. People like me, Seekers, collect Unholy Relics. That's as far as my responsibilities go. I don't know what happens next, that's way above my pay grade. But I do know that they think keeping Relics out of the hands of mages will prevent another Demon War. FAENDYR (it's all making sense now) Ooooh. UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH They believe they can control the fate of their dimension. Fools. FAENDYR Shhh, Fleshy! GILBERT Are you talking to your staff? UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH They are like ants striving to divert the flow of a river. FAENDYR ... No. Sorry, go on Bianka. BIANKA The person I report to is called the Inquisitor. But they're not calling the shots. That's the Inquisitor General, and no one ever sees them. UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH They believe by cowering in the shadows they can save themselves. BIANKA Listen- that's really all I know. And the less you go asking around, the better. As far as they're concerned, the ends justify the means. I mean, you met Olivier. GILBERT He threatened Colin. That's why we fought. BIANKA They don't really care what they have to do to get the Relics. But they're good at what they do. GILBERT Unlike us. BIANKA Well, I mean, they're... GILBERT Competent? BIANKA Yeah? No offense. FAENDYR I for one fully accept our shortcomings. Competent is not a word that I would use to describe us. KEANU I, like, died and came back as a magical horse though? So I mean, I feel like I came out ahead. CAMILLA And I have a duchy now. KEANU Yeah, the Princess and I are doing fine, thanks. BIANKA My assignment was to extricate the Consumer of Flesh from the museum. Obviously, we all know how that went. GILBERT Why did you decide to help us? BIANKA Honestly? I don't know. Morbid curiosity? I was bored? Listen. I know how this looks, I'm not an idiot. The Keepers were just my ticket out of my old life. Which wasn't super, by the way. Money is money. For a lot of us in this world, we have to get it however we can. We can't be cute about it. Scruples don't pay the rent. FAENDYR Exactly. CAMILLA You stay out of this. BIANKA I can fix this. I know where the Hungering Band is. Keeper Richard-- that jerk who took the Relic-- he and I were meeting up with a mage who would transport us to headquarters. Tomorrow, it'll be at the gate to Jade Reach. CAMILLA Why are you still helping us? BIANKA Isn't it obvious? CAMILLA I need more than that. BIANKA You guys are going on a crazy convoluted fetch quest all around the continent just to help a friend. That means a lot to me. FAENDYR I think there's a little more to it than that. At least for some of us. Right, Gil? GILBERT What? FAENDYR Something you ''want to share with the group? GILBERT ... No? CAMILLA Alright. Let's talk logistics. Bianka, what weakenss do Richard and this mage have? UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH Do you really trust the dwarf? Do you think she has your interests at heart? FAENDYR Wait, wait, wait. So that's it? We're all just cool with Bianka basically stabbing us in the back? BIANKA I came clean. What more do you want? FAENDYR This isn't some mechanical device you can just fix by turning a couple gears. How do we know this isn't a trap and she's still working for the Keepers and lying to us so she can bring Fleshy to them? GILBERT ''Please ''stop calling it that. BIANKA Truth be told? You don't. CAMILLA I trust her. FAENDYR Of course you do. CAMILLA What's that supposed to mean? FAENDYR You have a dwarf-shaped blind spot! CAMILLA I will remind you that you are speaking to the Crown Princess of Kirkland. The Crown Princess who will decide if her father needs to know that his court mage is a fraud. FAENDYR Fine. We'll give Bianka a chance to prove herself. But I swear to the gods if she's still lying... BIANKA I'm not. FAENDYR Okay then. BIANKA Okay. FAENDYR Fine. BIANKA Good. FAENDYR Good! BIANKA Okay. FAENDYR Great. (awkward pause. Keanu clears his throat.) KEANU Hey, um... this is probably a bad time, but I, like, never got any of that cheese? TRANSITION '''SCENE 4. EXT. ENTRANCE TO JADE REACH.' A sense of a wide, open space at some elevation. Same as episode 3. SOUND: Portal FAENDYR Well. Here we are. KEANU Where is here? COLIN Oh! This is where the giant metal giant lives! SOUND: The companions walk out of the portal. BIANKA You know, Stretch, it's too bad you didn't figure out how to cast portals like a month ago. KEANU Yeah, that would have saved us like a ton of walking. SOUND: Portal closes. FAENDYR If you keep complaining you can walk all the way back to Kirkland. BIANKA Keeper Richard should be meeting up with Keeper Waelynn at any moment. I'll distract them, while you all stay out of sight. Then Faendyr shoots some fireballs and Gil looks scary, and I'll make off with the Relic. Then we all portal back to the capital. The End. GILBERT Sounds simple enough. FAENDYR I'm sure we'll find a way to mess it up. I mean, just going by precedent. KEANU True true true. COLIN What do I do? BIANKA Stay hidden. And quiet. COLIN But that's boring. BIANKA It's a very important job. COLIN I'm not a baby. SOUND: Footsteps further off. BIANKA There's Keeper Richard. Get down. Waelynn should be up in a minute. Stay hidden until I give the word. GILBERT Wait, what's the word? KEANU Pickles? BIANKA ... Sure. I'll be back. SOUND: She walks away. SCENE 5. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE. SOUND: An elevator approaches. SOUND: Dwarven gate opens. AUTOMATON We have arrived at the surface level. We hope you have enjoyed your visit to Jade Reach. Please come again. KEEPER WAELYNN Thank you for your assistance, as always. Hello, Keeper Richard. KEEPER RICHARD Keeper Waelynn. I trust your mission was a success. KEEPER WAELYNN Just a few hiccups, but nothing I couldn't handle. And yours? SOUND: Dwarven gate closes. KEEPER RICHARD I have the Relic. I am unsure of Keeper Olivier's location. He was going to collect Uxellodunon's staff, but he wasn't at the rendezvous when I left Amaranthyne. And Seeker Bianka refused to accompany me. KEEPER WAELYNN That's odd. Have you sent word to the Inquisitor? KEEPER RICHARD Not yet. I assumed it would be a better discussion to have in person. SOUND: BIANKA walks up. Scene 5.2 KEEPER WAELYNN Someone's coming. BIANKA Hey guys. KEEPER RICHARD Seeker Bianka? KEEPER WAELYNN I thought you said she stayed in Amaranthyne. KEEPER RICHARD What are you doing here? BIANKA It's a crazy story, actually. Really convoluted. Woah. And long. So, so long. KEEPER RICHARD I'd like to hear it. BIANKA You would? KEEPER RICHARD Very much. BIANKA Um. I doubt Keeper Waelynn wants to... KEEPER WAELYNN I don't mind. BIANKA Ummmm are you sure? I mean, it's loooong. Super long. And kind of weird, honestly? KEEPER WAELYNN We don't have to be back until vespers. And I love a good story. BIANKA Haha. Um. Okay. Well... Picture this: Inquistor sends me to Jade Reach. So, I start my day with a nice healthy breakfast. I've tried the new omletes, but just the egg white. Okay but anyway, moving on. I get to Jade Reach.... SCENE 6. EXT. FURTHER BACK. SOUND: Bianka spinning a tale in the distance. FAENDYR Well, Gil. This is the last thing we need to get Rodney out of that root. GILBERT Yeah. FAENDYR Are you excited? GILBERT Anxious more than anything if I'm honest. FAENDYR Really? GILBERT I mean, we don't know for sure if it will work. CAMILLA Or if he's even still alive... GILBERT And if it does work... well, it's complicated. CAMILLA What's going on over there? KEANU Uhhhhh, looks like she's still talking. CAMILLA Still? What's taking so long? GILBERT Come on Bianka, just grab the relic... FAENDYR Hold on. Are we supposed to distract them so she can grab it? GILBERT Maybe? KEANU Wait no- did she say the word? COLIN I don't know, what was the word? KEANU I don't know. Wait, wasn't it pickles? COLIN Or was it "sure"? KEVIN *squeak* COLIN No, that wasn't it. CAMILLA Oh my gods. BIANKA (in the distance) PICKLES! GILBERT Wait, did she say something? FAENDYR Maybe? BIANKA (louder) PICKLES! CAMILLA I think she did. KEANU Was it "pickles" or "sure"? BIANKA PICKLES! FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, PICKLES!!! FAENDYR She said pickles. GILBERT Oh, fungus! SCENE 7. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE. KEEPER WAELYNN Are you alright, Bianka? KEEPER RICHARD Stop. What's that? Over there by that outcropping. KEEPER WAELYNN Is that a unicorn? BIANKA It's probably just a mountain goat. KEEPER WAELYNN Are those people? Behind that rock. BIANKA It looks like a mage and a warrior. And... (Notices Colin; annoyed sigh) Oh my gods. Is that a gnome? COLIN (in the distance) Roar! GILBERT (in the distance) No, Colin! BIANKA Wow. They look like bad news. You should probably go. I'll take care of them. KEEPER RICHARD A moment. Isn't that the knight you were with, Bianka? BIANKA Uhhhh. No? KEEPER RICHARD It looks just like him. BIANKA I mean all humans look the same. KEEPER WAELYNN They really do. KEEPER RICHARD No. It's him. I'm positive. BIANKA It can't be. KEEPER WAELYNN Hold on. That mage has a relic. KEEPER RICHARD Bianka, isn't that the Consumer of Flesh? BIANKA Fungus. Uhhhh. Maybe? Stay here. I'll... be back. SOUND: BIANKA RUNS AT BREAKNECK SPEED KEEPER WAELYNN What's going on? SCENE 8. BOULDERS SOUND: Bianka is running towards them GILBERT Wait, why is she running towards us? This is part of the plan, right? KEANU Wow. She's fast. I mean, considering. FAENDYR Should we do something? SOUND: Bianka has arrived BIANKA Run! CAMILLA Oh f- foot and mouth. SOUND: The companions all stand up BIANKA RUN YOU IDIOTS! KEEPERS STOP! SOUND: The companions all start running KEANU We'd rather not, if that's okay! COLIN Where are we going? BIANKA I don't know, but we need to get the you know what out of here. COLIN I know what what? WEALYNN (from behind them) Incende! SOUND: FIREBALL COMPANIONS Woah!/ Ohhhh/ etc GILBERT Are they shooting fireballs at us?! CAMILLA It certainly seems like it! BARD And it certainly seems like the Companions have gotten themselves in a heated situation. Will they find a way to cool things down? COMPANIONS *groan* BARD Find out next time in the season finale of THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! CREDITS BLOOPER ANDREW But he wasn't at the rendevouz. Hm. Sorry. One more time. MICHAEL It's "U-zello-dun-on" ANDREW Uxellodunon. Yeah. Uxello-Lena-Dunham. Uxellodunon. Uxellodunon? Uxello''dunon''! Okay. Ah hem.